How to be lost

Matt was lost for about half an hour yesterday, but it was the lamest "being lost" ever. He was just sitting in the atrium by the middle school office waiting patiently for his sister and his mother as they looked everywhere in the two middle schools--that is, they looked everywhere but where the mother had told him to be. (I actually called a teacher on his personal cell phone to see if Matt had attended an after school band class because I couldn't find Matt. And Hayley had looked everywhere in the school twice--obviously except right in the entryway of the school)

Geez, if you are going to be lost, you have to do it with flair; don't just sit there like a bump on a log waiting for your mother to find you.

I should know. I am nearly an expert at being lost, particularly at big, meandering, heavily populated venues, like the MN State Fair.

So, for those of you who do not know how to be lost adequately, here are a few helpful hints.
1. Run around, flailing your arms,
2. Work up a good stream of hot tears.
3. Wail. Many wanna-be losters whimper. This is not enough. You must take full advantage of your lung capacity. Hiccuppy crying is an acceptable alternative.
4. Do not pay attention to where you are. This could hinder your being lost, especially if you are old enough to have a cell phone and dumb enough to try to get lost with ample juice in the cell phone battery. If you do mistakenly have a working cell phone, not knowing where you are will aid you in that you will not be able to tell your friends/family/herd where you are. You are supposed to be lost, not shopping at a mall.
5. Be hungry. This will heighten the experience by adding urgency.
6. So will having a full bladder.
7. Avoid any posted maps.
8. Do not get distracted from your endeavor by lollipops, storefront windows, horses, juggling acts, etc (distractions will depend on your venue).
9. If someone tries to talk to you, cry even louder so you can't hear the offer of help.
10. Added twists: if just plain getting lost is not enough adventure for you, try getting lost while suffering severe paranoia. Convince yourself that THEY are out to get you.


Jen said…
Oh, Matt! Will he ever learn? That is a completely inappropriate way to be lost. The girls and I separated from Mike while we were driving to WI to move into our house in the middle of Chicago traffic off the highway, and our cell phones were also dead. I think I could have checked off everything on your list. The girls were in hysterics, too, so that really upped the ante.
Jenni said…
I experienced your episodes of being lost and they were epic (otherwise we wouldn't keep bringing it up!).

Rick and Holly once got lost in Mexico. They did many of the things you listed. They split up, Rick got a parasite, Holly didn't speak Spanish, they ran out of food and diapers, Gunnar was only a couple weeks old, and they lost their dog. Rick ended up in a hospital for over a week.

See, getting lost is fun! There are so many different ways to experience it, too!
Jen-Matt's lostness was so lame he didn't even REALIZE he was lost. Tsk!

Jenni--Rick and Holly's story is one for the books!
Dennis said…
To my knowledge I have never been lost - others may have thought I was lost but I knew where I was at all times and could get to where I was going (eventually - without asking for directions) even in foreign countries where I could only say yes or no in the language of that country (in Israel yes is ken and no is lo).
But Matt is my special guy. I loved the story about personalized license plates also.