For my eyes only

I'm close personal friends with eye exams. I've had them nearly yearly ever since I was in second grade when my teacher noticed I had a hard time with math problems on the board.

Since I've had so many eye exams over the years, I've been aware of the changes in eye care technology.

For example, when I went in today, I was treated with a brand-spankin'-new machine that showed me a picture of a road leading to a hot air balloon in fabulous colors. I just had to look at the hot air balloon while the machine whirred and fiddled with the focusosity of the hot air balloon (fyi, "focusosity" is the degree to which an image is in or out of focus). I liked the picture of the hot air balloon; I felt all full of summer even though Minnesota right now is only available in black and white (and not very much black, to tell you the truth). How's that for new technology and innovations in eye care?

Later, the optician told me that the hot air balloon machine measured the smoothness (smoothocity?) of my corneas for a better fit of contact lenses. I don't see (get it---see?) how hot air balloons have anything to do with corneal shape, but she showed me two green circles with little spots of yellow on them and said, "Your corneas are very flat."

So logically, I determined that hot air balloons=green circles with some yellow in them=flat corneas. (This is why I am not an eye doctor) Flat corneas also mean no mountains or valleys in my corneas, which I thought "DUH." I would have FELT a mountain in my eyeball, especially if even a little eyelash causes me so much pain I have to gouge out great fistfulls of eyeball matter just to remove it. Imagine if a mountain had REALLY been in my eyeball--I would probably be blind for lack of any eyeball matter left after all the gouging.

But as far as eyeball health maintenance has come, they still have to use the machine with all the dials and with which they give you choices like "#1.....or #2? #3.......or #4?" That's the machine that you stick your face in and then you feel like a cyborg. I was just noticing that the mirror in the eye doctor's office is purposely distorted in such a way that when you stand right in front of it, you do not actually see your face, but you can see up the ceiling vent (which really should wear a slip) so when you sit in the chair with your face in the cyborg eye machine, you cannot see what you would look like as half woman/half machine. This is supposedly a good thing, which is why they angle the mirror in wacky ways, although my curiosity is piqued. What do I look like as a cyborg? I think I should know, just in case I woke up one morning to mechanical implants. I think I would want to know what that would look like so I would know whether or not I could still go out in public as a technologically enhanced human being without having to put on a really large hat so as not to frighten the children.

I think I'm a bit loopy from having my eyes dilated. The cyborg-ization has most likely begun.

(PS. On the plus side of things, my eye doctor said I have really young eyes. Presbyopia has not set in yet. No reading glasses for me yet!)


Jenni said…
I find it ironic that with your "young" eyes, you have always had poor vision. Hmmmm... I find it interesting that you have such a vast knowledge of eye exams and I have none. I find it interesting that I don't have any cookies right now.
Jen said…
That does sound like some hi-end technology. Hot air balloons and all. I spent several hours at an opthamologist's office and another several hours at a neuro-opthamologist's office, and neither one showed me any pictures of hot air balloons. I DEMAND a refund!!

ETA: Mike was also witness to this, so I'm NOT making this up. Word Verification: beaverme
Dennis said…
I wish I could wax on like you do and still keep it interesting (and funny). But alas, I am all about getting right to the point and then moving on. It is like shopping - I go into store, find item, purchase item, leave store - done.
I just had my eyes examined and thankfully there has been no change (I still have two). Although I was hoping for a change so I could get new glasses so I coould have the darkening kind again.