Evil among us

I sat at the table, calmly, peacefully, and very pro-nature, eating my lunch, when suddenly, I was ruthlessly and brutally attacked by this:

I nearly died.

Quickly I mustered all my nerves and flung the beast off me. I grabbed the nearest sharp implement (a mechanical pencil) and stabbed it as hard as I could. I texted Jim to tell him of my near-death experience. Had he not had some work to do, I'm sure he would have rushed home to be by my side in this time of mental anguish, a severe case of the heebie-jeebies.

I blame Other Jim. More accurately, I blame Other Jim's AP Environmental Science teacher, who decided that after the AP exams were over, that the APES class should spend every class period out in the tall grassy areas of the school grounds removing buckthorn and doing other acts of good-American-citizenry like picking up trash. OJ reports to me daily of the number of ticks he pulls off of himself in Econ which is the class he has right after APES. He must have missed one. It must have jumped the OJ ship sometime recently and sat somewhere waiting for me to stumble upon it unknowingly. I will never trust nature again.

Even the stabbing with the mechanical pencil did not stop the monster. Its hideous legs twitched and searched for ground to drag its gruesome body across to find somewhere to regenerate. I had to quickly build a pyre with a matchstick and burn it before it could maneuver its way off the pencil and resume its reign of terror.

Time to perform several hours of tick-removal cleansing rituals. Say a prayer for me, please?


Jen said…
Aughughaugh (picture me running around in a circle with flailing arms in search of such a vile creature. We think Annie got bitten by one yesterday. She came in and said a big fat bug crawled on her ankle and after she flicked it off there was blood running down her foot. Surprisingly, Annie didn't act like it was the end of the world which is what she'd usually do under those circumstances. Sorry Jim couldn't rescue you.

Sounds like OJ's teacher ran out of things for them to do, so he's got them doing his community service duties.
Dennis said…
A beautiful essay on the death of a hideous monster that was destined to inflict mahem on the populace of your residence.
Consider yourself prayed for.
TaterBean said…
please destroy all ticks before i come out. thanks!
Jenni said…
Heebies and jeebies. That happened to Trav on Sunday. The tick fell on his plate at dinner. Ewwie. They live in my back yard. It makes me uneasy. I'm so glad you lived, I was worried there for a minute.

One time at camp, I picked 36 ticks off one girl who had gone on the pre-hike hike. Some were the size of freckles which proves they can't be trusted.

I blame OJ for that, too.
Yeah, OJ says the count for him is up to fifteen. He says he doesn't like going to school anymore because he keeps finding ticks on his body during classes.