Reasons #26, #52, and #57 why I don't have a lovely, beautifully decorated house

#26 My kitchen counter has an affinity for pieces of paper. It loves paper of any kind, any size, any purpose, but it especially loves notices from schools. And pictures drawn by Hayley and Matt. I cannot keep paper off this surface to save my life. No sooner do I remove the papers from the counter, but it immediately turns on its magnetic-like pull and the papers come tumbling from odd corners of the house and leap up onto the counter to be hugged and cuddled by the laminate surface that really should be reserved for the preparation of meals. The kitchen counter will not listen to me. As a side hobby, it also collects dust and food particles.

Somebody likes to mutilate my pine-scented decorative candles. This is an ongoing problem. What gets me is that this person is so blatantly flouting my rule to LEAVE THE DECORATIVE ITEMS IN THE HOUSE ALONE. Not only does this person flout, but he makes sure that I know he did it by CARVING HIS NAME IN THE CANDLE. He used a knitting needle.

#57 Chocolate. And not because I eat it. Chocolate works against my housecleaning because kids make brownies. And somehow they get splatters of brownie batter on the walls in the kitchen. What were they doing with the brownie batter so that it spattered on the wall, I'd like to know? Brownie batter is too precious, too delicious to use it in a food fight. Or as a painting medium.

Anyway. My house is not clean, and it never will be. My house is not tastefully decorated either, and again, it never will be. That is that.


Jessie said…
as to #52 - perhaps a very clever child (who can not contain their love for carving up pretty things) wrote SOMEONE ELSE'S name during their destructive tirade as a decoy so they can continue their plots undiscovered... or was Jimmy just too shortsighted during his artistic moment to come up with something that wouldn't reveal his identity?
This comment has been removed by the author.
No, that's Jimmy's handwriting. This is the same child who smiled for the camera after shaving his eyebrow off. He's a naughty boy and proud of it. This is the same child who had to come up with a creation story for English so he based it on Super Mario Brawl and took hundreds of pictures of the game WITH MY CAMERA.

Jimmy is not a child for parents with faint hearts.

And I deleted the above comment because it had a spelling error.
Karie said…
Well, the obvious solution for the kitchen walls is to paint them a dark brown. Then the brownie batter just becomes texturing! Of course, if I had dark brown walls in my kitchen, I'd want The Brownies all the time. But that's a different story.
Jen said…
I think you've cursed me with the paper counters. It never goes away no matter how much I throw in the garbage. Don't schools realize that like 100% of parents use computers these days and would gladly do away with all the flippin' handouts each day. ENOUGH!

I have an idea that may make Jimmy stop destroying your lovely decorations. Carve "I LOVE MY MOMMY!" into something he has to take to school with him each day and that his macho friends will see. I bet that will deter him from future carvings.

I love the idea of brown walls for your kitchen, but I also agree that it may stir up too many thoughts of chocolaty treats. I have another idea. If the kids (namely, the boys) make splatter messes, then you go into their bedroom with hot pink paint to splatter on their walls or on a t-shirt they have to wear to school tomorrow:)

Can you tell I'm an eye for an eye kind of parent?
Karie and Froggybaby, thnx for your painting suggestion. Too bad we just painted the whole upstairs recently or I might have actually done it.

I think the next time I find Jimmy's school folders lying around, I will write on each of them. I'll write "My mom has great taste in music" "My mom is a good dancer" "I will obey my mom at all times" "Can't wait to get home and tell mom about my day" etc. I'll write it small so he won't notice at first. Jimmy has it coming. I know that I was given Hayley and Matt as compensation for Jimmy.

You all know that I am mostly joking, right? Jimmy has his good points. When he isn't mutilating my candles, his facial hair, his clothing, or his walls, he is diligently doing his homework, reading, or working. He doesn't harp on Hayley so much anymore (Paul vs. Matt is the new wrestling match du jour at the Evans ring) and he brings in groceries when I ask him to. He likes going to church (SUCH A CHANGE FROM WHEN HE WAS UNDER 10) and he is considerate and kind to people not of his family.
froggybaby said…
I remember a time when Maddie wrote her name on my couch with a black marker - backwards. Of course she was only 4. She blamed it on Roz.

I have the same paper problem. I also end up with salt all over the same counter AND I NEVER USE SALT THERE, dear husband. He salts everything in the general vicinity of his plate. Sometimes I spend 30minutes just putting paper in the proper place, or returning the phones to cradles, or asking Rozzie to pick up her bobby pins, again. Rozzie has turned into the one who treats the house as her personal handbag.

Jen said…
My solution for the paper issue is a burn barrel. I use the firepit out back when the counters get too cluttered. Before I go out with all the burnable refuse I just announce that I will be burning all of the papers on the counter and if anyone wants anything from the counter they had best remove it. I do confess to having a problem with burning though, once while having a garbage fire while camping I burned up the bag for my tent and the stakes that were in it. In my zeal to burn everything I threw the tent box in without checking to see if it was empty, it wasnt. Worse, it was Jennys tent. Seriously though, you should burn all that stuff...
Concerned citizen
You would suggest something like that, CC. Many of the papers on the counter are permission slips for viewing some form of "art."